Healing through Connection
My 8-year-old daughter recently asked: “Mom, how do grown-ups make friends?”
It’s a great question. Making new friends is not something she often sees modeled by me, and the answer is not straightforward. For little ones, full faith is given when they encounter a peer. They’re wired to want to connect and have no shame in seeking it out. They haven’t been wounded by rejection, at least not yet.
Trying to make friends can get scarier as we age. It is vulnerable to reach out and want to be seen and accepted, particularly for introverts. Yet, connections are vital for our well-being. Our brains look for them constantly. It can be an uncomfortable admission for someone like myself who has built a protective wall so carefully constructed that many don’t recognize that it’s there.
Vivek Murthy’s book Together describes the circles of connection: intimate, Relational, and Collective. Intimate is our relationship with ourselves, intimate partners, and closest friends. Relational is the need for social support and quality friendships. The Collective connection layer is community connection, such as what can be felt within a religious, cultural, or mission-driven group. We must nourish all three connection layers to grow, heal, and thrive.
In humankind's history, no one has cracked the code to live 100% independently from birth to death and thrive. I’m sorry, but you won’t be the first person to do this either. It cannot and should not be done. We are meant to live among one another. Connection with ourselves and one another leads us to healing and buffers us from future pain. However, our pain is often what keeps us feeling like we’re on the outside looking in. Showing our underbelly makes us vulnerable to those who may reject us.
It also does not exactly feel like we’re thriving as a collective currently, and I experience that divide as much as everyone. I see it in my life, practice, family, and neighborhood. It makes you want to throw up your hands at the whole thing and move to a secluded island. When I feel that tensions rise within me, I realize I have made my lens too broad during these moments of overwhelm. I need to zoom in on a smaller collective zone. Especially to people I share physical spaces with, such as my local grocery store, yoga studio, and my children’s school. I also know it’s a sign I’m over-identifying with the things that separate us from one another and dehumanize outsiders, such as over-emphasizing the importance of political affiliations. It’s a practice many of us have to reacquaint ourselves with as the societal ways of engaging with each other have changed drastically in recent years.
Many are familiar with Dr. Brene Brown, the master of defining emotions. Her book Atlas of the Heart states that connections with others can only be as meaningful as our connection with ourselves. We must know who we are, what we want, and what we believe so that we can share ourselves and confidently (and I’ll add authentically) move through the world in connection with others.
These are the closest and most tender areas of ourselves that need attention. We can become lost in trying to be what we think we should be. And connection that feels withheld from others can seem like a punishment for not meeting that expectation. I have known that deep, isolating pain. I see it in others, and it breaks my heart.
How do we begin to heal through connection: when you’re hurting, notice the longing for connection. When you’re happy, notice yourself wanting to celebrate in connection with others. Your brain likely desires connection when you’re bored, restless, and unsatisfied. The easiest way to quiet this longing is by picking up a device and offering ourselves a faux sense of communion or with food, drinks, drugs, casual sex, or consuming highly stimulating content to alleviate the pain. What we often get is more isolation and an unsatiated need for validation. We may have quieted that longing for a time, but we fed the seeds of loneliness. It’s difficult and vulnerable, but it's worth investing in building your friendships and/or familial relationships, community circles, and rituals or soul-feeding activities.
My intention is not to trivialize this pain that separates us from others or simplify the paths to be more connected to our worlds; this is just a starting point. Everyone has their unique journey and circumstances, and I appreciate that it’s always complicated. You are worthy of healing. You are worthy of being seen, accepted, and included. Just as you are, not by who you could be if you were sober, better looking, wealthier, more conventional, or unmarred by trauma. Start simple; start easy. Offer up others with genuine greetings such as “Good morning” or “Have a good day.” Dedicate time for self-reflection, and engage in things you love that nurture you, such as walking, journaling, mindful reading, or taking yourself on a picnic. The path to that healing is not comfortable, but it is possible.
Tips for my fellow introverts:
Just like there’s no one way to build connection, there’s no one way to heal the wounds of disconnection. Below are just a few ideas:
Collective: Research shows that being in unison with others can benefit us from connection, such as dancing, singing along in a worship service, rhythmically flowing through a yoga sequence, or belting out lyrics at a concert. Bring awareness to regular practices you engage in, such as these. Offer your God, space, or the universe a sense of gratitude. It may feel silly at first, but you will notice the shift.
Relational: When you’re at your most vulnerable (e.g., for me, this is being in large, crowded environments such as entering a social function where I don’t know anyone), redirect your attention away from your own fear of not being seen and direct it towards making others feel seen. Even the most seemingly confident person in the world wants to be seen, accepted and included. Make it your mission to meet that need for others.
Intimate: If nurturing your innermost zone of connection is new, start small. First, bring intention when spending time with yourself, a pet, or even plants. Second, consider the people in your life who may actually take up a small percentage of that intimate zone space and with whom you feel some sense of trust and begin to water those seeds.
I encourage you to experiment with your approach to see what works for you. If you’re unsure where to begin, find a therapist or coach who can offer insights and guidance to build a tailored plan.
